Coming Out of the Low

It’s the light at the end of the tunnel

The sun creaking over the horizon

Climbing out of the deep, dark hole.

Waking up.

I snap myself out of the long, low I've been in for the last several days.

Ideas run wild in my head.

There is the catching up on household chores.

More ideas.

Desires.

I want to do things.

I like to do things.

I will do things!

I wish I could feel this way all the time.

Accomplishing on a regular basis.

Feel good every day.

Hormones have other plans for me.

They like to pull me up and drop me down.

I am at their will.

I do their bidding.

They silently rule the universe.

I wonder if they get a kick out of it?

Do they know at all, the power they possess?

Do they enjoy the toying with my body and mind?

I hope they at least appreciate my obedience.

Smile with me

Cry with me

Join me.

For now, I am coming out of the low.

I am on my way back up.

On my way to my favorite time.

Which makes this a good feeling.

Knowing what is coming is good.

Out of the low.

The Ultimate Understanding- A Rambling

I think the best way to understand someone is to know them. To get to know someone is a process. It takes time. It doesn't happen just because you introduced yourselves. It may not even be nice all the time. People are different. We all come from many different places, different situations, different genes, different upbringings.

Sometimes we find things out about a person we don’t like or agree with. Personally, I find I try to stay away from these people. Nobody is perfect, including me, so perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh. (But I have that keep-myself-happy thing in my brain, so it tends to push me away.)

Lately however, I feel like people need a more worldwide understanding about ourselves.

Why do we fight? Why do we have war? If we knew the people we fought with, perhaps we’d be more understanding about them. Perhaps we wouldn't find it necessary to fight.

To know someone.

Talking, sharing times, laughing, finding common interests, and really knowing the ones that were once different. These are ways we get to know someone. Sometimes we get to know a person so well, and we like the same things as they do. We put our lives closer to theirs, because it makes us happy.

Sometimes we are forced to be around people we are different from. Perhaps we go to school, or work with them. Maybe their a member of our families. They do things different than we do, so we don’t like spending time with them. We find a way to put up with their differences, because we have no choice. Perhaps we find that we can be near them, despite the differences. Perhaps there are things that are fun, or silly, or smart, or creative, or intelligent, or philosophical, or what have you, that you find interesting about those people. And even though you have differences too, there are one or two things that are similar, so you can get along.

Learning to get along.

Knowing each other.

Ultimate understanding.

I think that’s the key to world peace. I mean, I don’t even know if I believe in world peace, because I know how idealistic and Utopian it sounds. But I guess I always did believe it would be nice. Really nice.

Ode of Mothers

Soft, snuggly,

Always loving,

Always giving.

They make everything feel right and good.

With their hugs,

Their kisses,

Smile,

Eyes.

Thank you mom.

How can this be?

When did this happen to me?

This is more special than anything else in the world!

To be responsible for this life,

This being,

This miracle!

Now there are three!

What a responsibility!

What an honor,

A blessing that they chose me!

I shall do my best

To pass all their tests,

And be the best mom I can be!

(I hope I succeed!)

Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?

A question that appears each year.

It makes my head spin,

For I am in a place of honor.

I am in the place I have put my own mother.

Now we share the honor together.

Not only once a year as we remember and celebrate,

But every day.

We are mothers.

Every day,

Every hour,

Every moment.

Forever.

Thank you mom.

Is It Really Spring?

Spring! Spring! Spring! (Part One) 

Spring has finally sprung around here! I feel so elated, I hardly know what to do with myself! The sun is suddenly so warm on my skin…my BARE skin! Yes! I can actually wear less than many layers of clothing and I’m still warm!

My skin feels glorious as it soaks up the rays. I can practically feel the processing of vitamin D!

And boy, am I happy!

Happy! Happy! Happy!

I feel like a whole new person. Well, not new, but perhaps a me that I thought was gone long ago.

Through this long, cold, dark winter, I wondered how most people were so active. How they went through their every day lives accomplishing everything they need to.

I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I could barely get out of bed.

How did everyone else do it?

Why couldn’t I?

After the last couple of weeks of feeling sunshine on my skin, I am reminded I suffer from seasonal depression.

For those of you who live south, and in sunny locations, let me explain. Seasonal depression is a form of depression that happens to people who don’t get enough sun. It happens to a lot of people around where I live.

We live in a place that sometimes goes weeks (one winter I counted months) where we don’t get sun, but only overcast clouds. Add in the whole darkness of winter on top of that, where the sun seems to set 5 minutes after it comes up.

Imagine it.

There are less than 12 hours of daylight, and most, if not all of them are cloudy.

Day in and day out.

Clouds.

No sun.

No bright, warm, yellow/golden light.

Just overcast, grey, and you are covered from neck to foot (and sometimes head, depending on the day) just to stay warm enough.

Sorry, did I scare you?

Because that’s what we live every winter.

Now, in order to get through without being depressed, we have great things to do in the winter, don’t get me wrong.

There’s skiing, sledding, ice skating, snowman building, and more.

Let’s not forget the holiday season…created to distract us all.

These things are good, great even, and they help a lot. But of course, you need snow for almost all of them.

That doesn’t always happen.

A lot of winters are just grey, dark, and cold.

This winter, thank goodness, we had lots and lots of snow.

I love snow. It allows you to get out in that cold, face it, embrace it, and enjoy it!

I did that this past winter.

I got out there with the kids and slid down the hill in our yard on sleds.

I took pictures of the beauty of the snow when it made everything look magical, sparkling, and white.

I made it to the end of February feeling good about the cold and snow. While everyone else complained, I was happy with the snow, the white wintery landscape it created all around us.

Somewhere between the end of February and the beginning of March, it hit me like a brick wall. I don’t remember if there was a particular lack of sunshine those weeks, or what it was, but I was done with winter.

I craved sunshine and warm sand between my toes. I yearned for it. I imagined it.

I had to. I had to get out of bed every morning.

I complained frequently about the cold and snow. Suddenly the beautiful, white magic turned into blistery, cold death.

I hated it.

For the first time in my life, I hated snow.

I never minded the cold before, as long as there was snow. Snow made it tolerable. Snow made the winter beautiful.

Until now.

Now it was ugly, evil snow. I wanted it gone.

It kept coming. We had two large storms which brought over 6 inches each during March and April. In between, it would melt, teasing and taunting me to hold on for Spring. When the last storm came, I thought I would lose it. I really thought I would go crazy. Stir crazy, winter crazy, mind crazy.

I felt tired all the time. It felt hard just to get up and do the things I did every day.

Really hard.

Through March and April, I came to accept this new found tiredness. I blamed it on age, on being out of shape, on everything but the weather. I thought I was fighting the winter well, and didn’t realize, it already got me.

I was depressed. Depressed but fighting. Waiting and hoping for spring. Telling myself that it was just around the corner. Thinking maybe it would come a little early this year.

Nope. That was way off.

So I lived with this feeling of tiredness and lethargy. I came to think it was just where I was in life now, and that’s the way it was going to be.

Convinced (Part Two)

Then Spring sprung.

Thank God!

Like a miracle it warmed up. Gradually, teasing with days into the 60’s, then back down into the 20’s, then back up again to 50’s. But more and more, the days were warming, and the sun was shining, and the snow melted!

All of it! It was gone!

I’d actually forgotten what the landscape looked like without it! It looked different!

The colors outside were now like mud. Everything looked dead. I wondered how it all would ever green up, but I knew it did every year, and this one wouldn’t be an exception. But I was going to pay attention to it, because I was curious.

Now, the days are longer, the sun shines more frequently, and I don’t wear layers of clothing anymore. I can feel the heat of the sun on my face and arms when I walk my son to the end of the driveway every morning for the bus.

It feels so good!

In fact, everything feels good! I can wake up and get dressed and ready to walk after my son gets on the bus!

Where did I get this new energy?

When did it get easier to get up in the morning?

Why do I feel so chipper?

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels good to be back to myself again!

Hello self! I’ve missed you terribly!

Time to catch up on the slacking off of winter, and get to work!

Ok, let’s do it!

There. Just like that, a few days of sunshine on my skin, and I feel whole again.

Seasonal depression, how could I have forgotten you?

I bought my mom a sunlamp (I believe it was called a “happy light”) for her seasonal depression. Next winter I plan on buying myself one as well. This winter cinched it for me, and I will not go through that again.

I can see why people say they get too old for winters. It’s tough. So is dealing with depression. Those two things together…not everyone is equipped to handle that. You need help to get through it sometimes.

I get it, for sure.

Sunsets

I have a thing for sunsets. I mean, I really dig them. I love them. They are a magical feast for my eyes.

I grew up spending summers on a lake. We were on the east side, which meant we got to see sunsets every time there was one. Now, perhaps it’s because of this exposure to them that I love them so much. But you would think that seeing them nearly every day, I would take them for granted.

No.

Not even close.

I adore them.

When I was a teenager, I went out to the end of the dock and watched them. I was so enthralled, they took me away to their magical, fiery world. The clouds welcomed me into their realm, always happy, always smiling. I traveled there, among the clouds, and watched the brilliant, ever changing color show in awe.

Now that I am older, with a family of my own, I sometimes miss the opportunity to enjoy a sunset like that. I try to make time for it. It never disappoints.

The moment between dusk and dark is an amazing thing to see.

It is an event.

To see darkness creeping slowly, steadily up onto the blue sky is like nothing else I have ever watched. Yet it happens every day. It happens whether we watch it or not.

But I highly recommend watching it.

Get outside and trip out on a sunset. You won’t regret it.

Shower Thoughts - Happiness

The other day in the shower, I thought of happiness. How some people are very happy, and others are not. I have given the whole why-is-this-so question a great deal of thought in and out of the shower.

One time I saw a program on it that said happiness is in our genes. We are genetically programmed to only be a certain degree of happy through our lives. That thought depressed me. So, you mean, all the people in the world who are depressed on a regular basis, don’t have a choice in the matter? They were programmed to be that way? No matter what they do? Ick. And crap. That really sucks if that is so.

I am lucky I tend to be a happy person. I side on happy about 90% of my day. I get aggravated if I do not find happiness, or someone else takes the wind out of my sails.

But I don’t hold onto it.

I let it go.

Usually by the end of the day I’ve let it go. Sometimes it takes a good night’s sleep, and I wake up like I have amnesia. Everything is better.

Rarely, but it has happened, it takes much longer.

But I let it go.

I don’t know why I am like that. Some people think I am forgetful, or even unthoughtful. I don’t mean to be. I think it is my brain’s way of keeping me happy. Perhaps it is true then. Perhaps I am programmed that way. I really don’t know.

It’s not that I forget all the bad things that happen, but I forget the small ones, the details that make things sad and painful. I know I don’t want to feel sad or pained, and I think over the years my brain developed this way to avoid it.

Thanks brain.

So, am I happy because I want to be, or because I don’t have a choice? Who knows.

But this is all old happiness thoughts. I’ve had all these before. Many times.

With the steam beginning to rise, and my hair (which is too long right now) was finally getting wet all the way through, I thought of happiness again. Swirling around my head like sudsy shampoo.

Okay, some of us are happier than others. So, how do we get along? How does someone who is happy most of the time get along with someone who is not? Do they get along at all? Are not so happy people attracted to happy people or vise versa? Are we meant to mix it up for the yin and yang of life?

I find it interesting how couples stay together, and how they don’t. I wondered, in the shower, if their happiness levels are a factor? If you take two people, with two different levels of happiness, and look at their relationship, I bet you could tell why they run into problems.

Let’s take the gift giving holidays. If someone who is not so happy does something for their significant other on their own level of happiness, it may seem like they weren’t really trying to the other person who has a higher level of happiness, and therefore, would be willing to do more. Yet both feel as if they’ve done the same amount for the other.

Our holidays are filled with so much pressure to make a loved one happy by buying something. If we buy gifts based on our own happiness for someone with different happiness, there is going to be a noticeable difference there. But if everyone took into account that difference, they all might be able to avoid the crazy expectations of these gift giving holidays.

If we have no expectations, then we have no disappointment. If you get a gift, no matter the size or cost, how lovely! If you didn’t expect anything. If you don’t get a gift at all, then it’s just another day, and maybe that’s okay too. After all, you didn’t expect anything.

But more than expectation, let’s try to understand each other on a deeper level. Try to take things from each other’s perspective. Greater understanding leads to greater relationships.

Fuzzy shower thoughts are faded already.

Shower Thoughts

One of my best places to have crazy thoughts is in the shower.

Perhaps it is the hot water trickling everywhere, and the steam rising to clear my head.

Perhaps it is the heavenly scent of soaps, rich with moisturizers and natural oils and bubbles that allow my head to wander freely.

Perhaps it is just having enough time alone to have a complete thought. About anything.

I believe it is the combination of these things.

Sometimes I am working out a problem going on in my life. Trying to find the best solution, or the cause of it all, or what my part in it shall be.

Sometimes I have a song stuck in my head which dominates most of the shower, but still allows me to have funny thoughts in the background.

Sometimes, sometimes, I just wander through my brain, and something wonderful happens.

Those are my favorite shower thoughts. The ones where I feel like I put some part of the meaning of life together in a way that makes me completely happy. I come out of the shower a little different than before. Cleaner yes, but also cleansed.