Death: It Happens

I think about death. A lot.

I haven't always been that way.

As a child I would think about it when we talked about Jesus, in school or home. When you are about 6 or 7 and learn that there was a person who sacrificed himself for you, even though they didn't know you or even about your existence, it makes you think about it.

But when you're 6 or 7, death to you is a concept, a notion, an idea. It's something that only happens to very, very old people, or very special people for some strange reason. It is distant. It does not have to do with me. Not now.

I used to hold my breath to see what it would be like to be "dead". What does it feel like to stop living? What did Jesus feel like? (Yeah, I was a bit devoted in my Catholic upbringing.)

The thoughts were fleeting, as only they can be at that age. It was a mere curiosity and then it was gone.

Years go by.

Teens feel invincible. They go off and do crazy things because they feel death can't happen to them.

This is a stereotype. It wasn't me.

I purposely avoided things to avoid death. I didn't smoke, or try drugs of any kind. I was the goodie-goodie kid. As I got older, I never let anyone drink and drive me anywhere. I was the designated driver. I knew death could happen to anyone, but it was unlikely that it would happen to me. Not now.

When I was 27 one of my best friends in the whole world died. Suddenly and without warning, his heart failed and he was gone. His sister was the one who called to tell us. To this day I don't know how she did it. To this day I feel his absence. Death can now happen at any time, to anyone of us. Hopefully not now.

My thirties brought on a new level of death thoughts. My husband and I now had three children and they were still very young. My family often talked to me about my weight and how it wasn't healthy. My husband mentioned that he wanted me around for a long time, so he wanted me to be healthy. Health versus death. Something new that entered my brain. With every year that passed, death was creeping closer. It is, after all, inevitable. It is going to happen some day.

The panicked thoughts would creep into my mind, ready to paralyze me. Then I thought of something. My children are small. They need me. I need to be here for them. I will be here for them. I am not going to die in my 30's. Not yet. It is too important for me to be here. Raising my children is my purpose here.

Paralyzing death went quietly to a place far back in the recesses of my mind. To haunt me another time.

I can't pinpoint the exact day or moment, but some time around 39 or 40 the death thoughts visited again. This time with a new sense of purpose. With a whole new sense of fear to share with me.

It's not that something dramatic happened to me. It wasn't one thing that sent death spiraling through my head. It was simply life happening. Life happens so consistently, it's sometimes hard to keep up.

Life goes on and people pass on. People who have lived good, long lives. They made it to a nice old age and died of natural causes. They've left us to move up the ladder of life.

Now, in my 40's, I have moved up a good few rungs of that ladder. I see others around me move up as well. Some are very close to the top. Death is welcoming them in like a long, lost friend.

Death visits my thoughts now like an annoying creature. He's noisy and loud and colorful. Too much so for my comfort. he comes into my head and stays for too long. He likes to make my heart pound, palms sweat and thoughts race. It's like he's mocking me by enhancing the things he will one day take away. I feel the life in me more clearly in those moments. I feel how I don't know what I will do without them. I panic. He stays and parties for a while, thinking it's all fun and games.

I've learned to push him away. I've learned to distract myself to quiet him. Not now.

I welcome distractions like I never have before. I like keeping my head busy, louder than death partying in the not-so-back of my mind.

Why does he paralyze me so? Does he do that to everyone?

Not now, please. Shhh.

I know it has to happen. I just hope that it is easier than it seems. The piece of wisdom I will take with me this decade is from my father; we are always afraid of the unknown. He is right. I am always afraid of what I don't know. Yet that hasn't stopped me from doing things I don't know.

Death will be one of those things. I will rise up to shake hands with him one day. Even though afraid of what I don't know, I will be confident that I will follow the millions of others who have done it and I will make it through.

Just not now, thanks.

Guilty Pleasures

Everyone has them, right?

Those things we do that give us pleasure, but we don't want anyone to know.

We keep it a secret.

We keep it close to the chest.

Because we enjoy it, but it's so bad.

It's so bad, it's good.

So, I'm going to break the silence on some of mine.

Because, why not?

It's fun to share a secret, sometimes.

Here we go.

1. Sugar. I've spoken of it before, but it really is a pleasure of mine. It's becoming a social outcast, but I don't care. I am trying to cut it back in my days, but every time I eat it, I enjoy it just the same.
2. Gaming. Yup, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm a gamer. I love playing first person shooters, and have met people online through gaming. It's fun, addicting, adrenaline-pumping, and I could do it all day.
3. Sleeping. I love my sleep. I am glad to lie down in my bed at night, and drift off to who knows where. I hate getting up most every morning. I wish I could stay in bed and just lounge and rest, until I feel like getting up.
4. Jewelry. Or, as I called them in my childhood, "Jewleries." I love jewelry. I mean, I really do. I look at certain pieces and just covet the B-jesus out of them. It's one thing that if I had endless sums of money, I would have a ton of jewels.
5. Fur. O M G , did she just say fur? Yes. Yes, I did. My grandmother had fur coats when I was a child. I always thought they were the most marvelous things I'd ever touched. I have one of them hanging in my closet today. It still smells of my grandmother, which I love. I don't know if I ever dare wear it in public, as it's so politically incorrect, but I don't care. I love it.
6. Cheesy movies. I love movies, tv, entertainment. Sometimes I get a big kick out of films others consider not-so-hot. But I don't care. Some of them are; Legally Blonde, Mean Girls, The Twilight Saga, Flash Gordon, any 80's movie, among others.
7. Being alone. Being a stay at home mom, I got used to be surrounded by noise and children most of each day. Then my children grew, and they started school, and with each one, it got a bit quieter. Now, with all of them there 5 days a week, and the hub at work, I am alone. At first I thought I'd lose my mind. What do I do now? How am I going to fill the hours and hours without interruption? It took a few years to figure it out, but I keep busy with homemaking, and writing a story. Oh yeah, me, a writer. Who knew? I've learned to enjoy my time alone, no matter where or when it happens. It makes the time with people more enjoyable.

Well, there it is. 7 of my guilty pleasures. I have others, but why share everything all at once? It's more fun to spread out the fun, no?

Share one or two of your guilty pleasures with me, won't you?

Thoughts At the Kitchen Sink

If you could spend a day in my body

You would believe.

I have aches and pains

Every day.

I push through it most of the time.

If you could spend a day in my body

You would see.

Beauty is everywhere

You need only look.

My eyes are my greatest gift.

If you could spend a day in my body

You might be surprised.

My inner thoughts are true.

My personality is real.

I am genuine.

If you could spend a day in my body

You would know.

I know I am judged by the way I look

Not what is inside, to some.

What is inside is so much more

Than what you see on the surface.

If you could spend a day in my body

Then I could spend a day in yours.

Then there would be complete and total understanding.

COMBO! Personal Week and a Few of My Favorite Things

Today is my sister's birthday!

Happy birthday to her!

She's my only sister and I couldn't have asked for a better one (and I did ask for a sister)!

I thought today I would pay tribute to the awesomeness that is her!

I love making slide shows with photos! I found a bunch from the past and put them together into this grand slide show!

Enjoy!

Free photo slideshow personalized with Smilebox

Random Thoughts: Why Do We Complicate Life?

It's officially autumn now:

Colder weather, bright colors, less daylight.

I love this time of year (accept the daylight part).

The crisp air smells so amazing.

There are festivals, and harvests that are always fun.

The leaves are a glorious blaze in their final moments.

Final moments.

Some people associate autumn with death. The leaves, plants and flowers dying off before winter.

I never see it that way. All of these things do what they do in order to survive the cold brutality of the coming months. They slumber, waiting for their turn to come back.

It looks deathly: dried leaves and stalks of things that were lush and green only a few weeks earlier. It can feel a bit daunting.

It reminds us that everything comes to an end.

A bit depressing, because that means that we, too, come to an end.

Sometime, it's out there, waiting for us. We don't know how or when, but we know it is inevitable.

Or do we?

I can't help wonder what all the busy-making of life is about? Why do we busy ourselves with the daily chaos of life?

Do we really have to sign our kids up for lessons of all sorts?

Do we have to play a sport, or use a musical instrument?

Do we ever use what we learn in school?

Do we have to keep up with and own all the latest technology?

Must we be seen in all the latest fashions and fads?

Why, when I see so many people complain about the daily things in life, do we do those things in the first place?

Why do we complicate life?

Now I'm not saying that everything we do is rubbish. I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't do anything. I know that a lot of the things we do is for the pure enjoyment of them, or to learn and grow, to push ourselves further than we've ever been before.

I wonder about when it bogs us down, when it overwhelms us, when we wonder why we're doing it in the first place. When we are forcing our children to practice playing their instrument for the forty-sixth time, or to do their homework as soon as they get home, or to push themselves harder during their soccer game. Despite their constant desire not to do those things.

When we don't enjoy it. When it becomes a chore or job, not recreation or happiness. Why do we complicate life?

Life can be so simple. Many of us are so lucky to live in an environment where our survival is so secure, we are allowed to think of and do other things. Recreation in any form is just that. It's a distraction we have the time for because our survival is all set. It is entertainment. Sports, music, learning something new for the hell of it, experiments, philosophizing, religion. These are only some of the things humans have come up with in addition to surviving.

We are a fun bunch. We like to play. With our bodies, with our minds, with our souls.

So, why do we complicate life?

Why did we also have to come up with things like currency, government, taxes, wars? (My children have asked me this question frequently.) With the good came the bad. It's human nature. We are all living with both every day in some form. We work hard to make enough money to pay our bills and taxes then still have enough leftover to play. Always to play, we love it.

Do we raise our children to only survive, or to be good, contributing members of society? Do we force them to learn things they don't like or want to learn or will never use? How does this impact a child?

Everyone is born with strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has their own, unique combination of the two. It's kind of beautiful.

I want to help discover my children's strengths, and help them develop them to be the best they can be and also contributing members of society. Sometimes the chaos of life gets in the way. I have to tell my children that they must to this thing or that thing because it has to be done. They argue with me, or whine at me about it, because they don't understand the reason in it.

Sometimes I wonder what children would do if we didn't ask them to do anything? I know, Lord of the Flies. I watch it happen in my backyard when they play with friends. So they need guidance, obviously. How much is the right amount? Do we push them to do all the things we want them to do? Or do we let them pick and choose, guiding them along the way? I try to understand my children. Encouraging their strengths and giving them tools to help with their weaknesses. I see my job as a parent, not as a dictator, but as a guide and teacher.

Why do we complicate life again?

I think it might be the fear of death. (I know, I sound like the mom in Moonstruck.) It's distraction from the inevitable. Maybe that's just me, although I prefer to live a simple life.

Chocolate Chip Cupcakes In a Tree

My niece/Goddaughter had a birthday recently. Every year I get the privilege of making her cake (or cakes). This year, she requested chocolate chip cupcakes with a Magic Tree House theme. I was up for the challenge!

I took a vanilla cake recipe that I like, and tweaked it a bit to resemble a chocolate chip cookie in cupcake form. They turned out great, so I wanted to share the recipe!

Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

     3/4 cup unsalted butter                   2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

     3/4 cup white sugar                        1 teaspoon baking powder

     3/4 cup dark brown sugar               1 teaspoon baking soda

     3 eggs, lightly beaten                      3/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup yogurt: regular, low-fat or non-fat, plain or vanilla

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 10 ounce bag mini chocolate chips (I use Ghirardelli)

Bring butter, eggs and yogurt to room temperature. Preheat oven to 350°F. Place cupcake liners of your choice into muffin tin.

Beat the butter in a large mixing bowl until light. Gradually add the sugars and continue to beat for 5 minutes.

Beat in the eggs, beating all the while and beat until light colored.

In another bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Set aside.

Mix the vanilla and yogurt together.

Add the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl, alternately with the yogurt and vanilla mixture. Begin and end with the flour mixture. Stop beating before mixture is blended. Add the mini chocolate chips, and mix just until blended.

Bake @ 350° for 20-25 minutes (ovens vary, so check them at the earliest suggested time, and see if they might need longer).

Yield: 3 to 3 1/2 dozen

I used my favorite butter cream frosting to decorate them. You can use your favorite, or if you don't have one, use the recipe on the back of any confectioner's sugar package.

First, I gave the cupcakes a base coat of frosting, to give them rounder tops.

After the base coat, I used green frosting with a leaf tip to make leafy patterns all over the top. On some of the cupcakes, I did a toad stool look instead in red and white.

Thanks to my hubby for building the cutest display ever! He made it out of wood we had in the yard. Men and their chain saws, they go so well together.

These cupcakes were a big hit with the kids!

I hope you enjoy them too!

My Favorite Things: Why Don't I Do Them More Often?

I do things every day that I need to do. Everything from personal hygiene and exercise to working, chores, and running errands. I do combinations of these things on a daily basis. I try not to think about them too much, especially if I don't like them. Sometimes I do like some things, or learn to enjoy them, or learn to deal with them. But I get them done. Something gets done every day.

But...

My favorite things:

Baking

Sewing

Playing Video Games (Yep, I'm a gamer.)

Swimming

Photography

Writing

When it comes to my favorite things, sadly I don't get to do them as often as I would like. My day fills with obligation, and next thing I know, it's time for bed. (Okay, sometimes, even frequently, I play video games before bed, so I can't complain there.) Sometimes a day simply goes by, and it didn't occur to me to do a favorite thing.

Life just happens, gets in the way, occurs. It's not a bad thing. It's life, after all. It's all the little strands coming together to weave our own cloth, our story.

When I do get the opportunity to do the things I love, especially if it's been a while since I've done them, I think to myself, "Why aren't I doing this every day? Every chance I get? I love doing this! I need to make time to enjoy this more often."

Then life happens. Still. Consistent. Strong.

Somehow I forget how much I enjoyed sewing that last outfit or gift for someone. I forget how much I love swimming, how it makes my muscles happy. I forget how much I love taking a picture for the sake of capturing something I think is beautiful. I forget how it feels to frost a cake and have it turn out exactly as I pictured it.

How could I forget these things? Why would I want to forget something that makes me happy?

Perhaps it is because I go spans of time between doing the things I love that keep them in the "love" category in the first place. By doing them less often than the every day things, they stay fun, enjoyable, loved, special.

(I feel like I just went off on a ramble, but that's how my mind works.)

Today I got to write. I enjoyed it. I will definitely do it again, hopefully sooner than later.

Enjoy something in your day, every day.