I Got a Hug Last Night

I was in a dream. It wasn’t terribly memorable, or significant. There were dreamy things coming and going like they do, and my mind just going along for the ride. A lot was happening, as dreams can do, and it is hard for me to put into words just how I got there.

There was a friend of a neighbor visiting me with two girls. They were looking to borrow some cups for the girls, and I was showing them the shelf they were on and going through the several different ones they could choose from (none of which I actually own in the awake realm).

There was a change of scenery. There was a delivery of some sort of jarred goods from the neighbor’s friend. Two boxes, one came with broken jars. I was trying to stop her from leaving so I could tell her about the broken jars, and as in dreams, it became impossible to get her attention. I think I tried following her, and then I was gliding through thoughts most randomly and quickly. Too quickly to pinpoint the moment it occurred to me…

“Why can’t people just be happy?” I heard in the ether. A conversation I’m sure I’ve had in the past with my father.

My father who passed from this realm last October. Then it dawned on me, much like it does every day, that he is gone. That these conversations that were so very good to have with him won’t be happening anymore. “But I have an answer now,” I thought, perhaps out loud. “Because they are stifled. Their emotions are so suppressed, they don’t know how to be anything, let alone happy.”

There was no response, of course. The sadness that creeps up on me every day came upon me, and even though I was in the dream realm, and not sure exactly where I was, I tried to stifle it. My eyes started tearing, and I tried to push them down. This is an old habit, and apparently one that my dream self was most comfortable with. I was still looking for the woman who’d delivered the jars so I could tell her, but the dream realm had other plans.

I’ve been having a lot of what I call, “busy dreams,” lately, where I try to complete a task, but 1,000 other things happen that get in my way. I usually have these when my body is tense and my mind is busy. Thankfully, I forget them shortly upon waking. But it is a wake up call for me to get some rest for both body and mind.

So, as I was stifling tears, and looking for this woman, I found myself in a place. I find it hard to describe, other than it was open, and felt like a combination of a bar and an athletic department in a school (and no, not a sports bar). There were two large rooms with a large opening between them. As I stood there wondering where I was and where to look for this woman, an old family friend walked up to me. She was wearing an oversized green wind breaker with some college team’s logo on it in white, and holding a blue key lanyard. “Carol!” I exclaimed, surprised and somewhat happy to see her. “Hi there,” she said as we paused and moved awkwardly into a stiff hug. “Have you seen Anthony?”

“Anthony? No, I haven’t seen him in years, a very long time.” I don’t know who Anthony is. In my mind, she was referring to her husband, who’s name is not Anthony that I know of.

She kind of wandered off, I assumed to keep looking.

I felt comfortable in this space, whatever it was. People were coming and going, not much interaction, but it felt like a good vibe. Now that I think about it with my awake brain, it felt like some sort of terminal, but I wasn’t aware of any type of transportation.

I went to walk into the second room. As I rounded the opening, I almost walked right into him; my dad. There he was bold as life, looking amazing and happy. So very happy. He wore a white, short-sleeved, button down shirt with thin green criss-crossed weaved lines through it. Khaki slacks and carrying wallpaper books by their roped handles. His face was glowing and smiling. So happy.

     

(Trying to capture the energy he had. These pictures come close. His smile was just like these.)

My surprise was overwhelming and also happy. We looked at each other, acknowledging each other and instantly hugged. Suddenly I knew. This wasn’t a dream. This was a visit. Thinking about him brought him to me, or me to him. In the moments of hugging, I said, “I miss you!” He hugged me tighter. It was wonderful. There was so much happiness. My uncle, his younger brother, who is still in this realm, was in the background, like he was just waiting to see if I needed him, or maybe waiting his turn to visit. Stoic and loving. My Dad didn’t reply. There were no words exchanged after my exclamation, and then I woke up just before the alarm went on.

This wasn’t the first visit I’ve had with my dad since he left this realm. He has been in my dreams a few times now. But it was very different. You see, when he left this realm, he was quite out of his mind. He was not aware of reality at all. He had suffered a stroke six years prior, and since that time, dementia had taken hold of him, and deteriorated his brain slowly and painfully. It was very hard for all of us who love him to watch. Especially my mother, who became his main caretaker. It was her full (very full) time job. I’m sure it was horrifying for him to actually go through, sometimes knowing his brain wasn’t right, and not knowing what he could do about it.

    

I was in the hospital when he passed. Not in the room, but there shortly after with my mom and younger brother. I knew he had gone, but also that he was going to need time before I heard from/saw him again. I knew I would, because I have seen others who have passed in my dream state. They are different from dreams, I know this from these past visits. I knew I would have to be patient and give him time to understand what had happened. I knew he would be reconnected to his full self, and it would take time to process all that occurred these last six years. I also knew that time is a man made concept, and energetic time is completely different, and that my dad has always been open to other realms and other worldly ideas. So, really, I had no idea when I might hear from him, but I knew I had to have patience.

Pazienza.

I’ve had a few “visits” from him in my dream state. They weren’t exactly how I’ve had other visits. Perhaps it’s because I wasn’t as patient as I should be, and just really wanted to see him. The first couple he was there, in a bunch of people, family and others I didn’t know, but he was in the background, not speaking, not interacting with anyone. I took these like an update on how his healing was going. I appreciated them, even though they were minimal.

Pazienza.

Then there was one where I ran into him and went to hug him, and he put his hand out to shake my hand, and said, “Well I think we should get to know each other first!” I knew this wasn’t the time, but he was starting to acclimate to his surroundings.

Pazienza.

Ever see the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? When I saw that movie many years ago, I was blown away. I had recently lost a dear friend, and was trying to figure out how to mourn. I was a mess. I dove into this movie full force, getting the book and reading it twice or more. Crying. Crying. Crying. Trying to understand death and all it means. Gosh, I was young then (in my twenties). There is a scene in that movie where Robin’s character first gets to his version of heaven. He learns to manipulate his world, and makes it beautiful. My Dad always loved that scene, and I knew that’s what he was learning to do. Painting his world just how he would love it.

Pazienza.

It paid off. The waiting. The grief. The feeling of loss. I can’t help when my defensive mind goes to sleep, and my desires go out into the dream realm. And there he was. Recognizing me and all. The hug was just as real as anything in this realm.

When he passed, all I could think of was, “He’s gone.” In fact, that’s what I texted my family to let them know. That’s all I felt. That’s all I knew. He’s gone. Even though I knew it wasn’t permanent, I felt the incredible absence.

This morning when I woke up, all I could think of was, “He’s back!” (HP reference, but in a much more positive way!) So yeah, he’s back, and it makes my heart and soul happy once more. I know there will still be more time with him, even if it is in my dream state. And maybe there will be great conversations to be had after all. 💕

 

Will I Remember?

[Let me preempt this blog by saying that I don't obsess about death. These thoughts take much longer to write down than they do to think of in the first place. These thoughts are fast, but important in my life. They are a part of me that I think is worth sharing, but don't necessarily have the place or time to do so.]

A fleeting thought I have from time to time is about previous lives. Ever since my dad told me that some people believe that we have lived previous lives, I've been a believer. I think I was about 8 or so.

When I was in high school, we had a psychology class and the teacher did a session where she hypnotized those of us who wanted to participate. Of course, I was one.

She had us relax, and brought us to a place that made us feel good. First, I went to Canandaigua Lake. I spent summers there my whole life, and being in that lake is my heaven. I went to the middle of the lake and floated, looking up at the vast blue sky kissed with wisps of white.
She had us go further on.
I went to Egypt. It was hot, there was sand, and I was sitting on a sphinx statue. I felt the hot sun on my skin, and the rough surface of the statue. The funny thing was, I wasn't Egyptian. I was Native American. I was probably about 11 or 12. I had long black hair in two braids hanging down either side of my head. My skin was very brown. I liked it. (I am basically the opposite of this in my present life; red hair, fair skin.)
It was so vivid, more than any dream or daydream I'd ever had. When I woke up from the trance, I was revived. I can still recall all of this, like a memory rather than a dream. It felt so good.
My friends who were the observers in the class said my eyelids were fluttering like crazy! I guess because everything I was seeing and experiencing was so life-like.

I feel so closely tied to certain time periods, I think that I must have lived there. But I don't really remember. I don't remember actually living before, or being in another place or time. I just have a feeling.

That got me to thinking...

If I have a future life, will I have a feeling about this life? Will I feel tied to this place and time along with the others I feel now? Will this life be added to my repertoire?

Dream Visits

Have you ever had dreams with people who have passed away in them? Whenever I have these dreams, the person is so clear, even if the rest of the dream is not. I believe these are visits from these people. They come to us in our dreams, because that is neither our reality or their realm (whatever that realm may be). It is a place in the middle, where anything can happen (and usually does).

Have you ever had dreams where you meet or hang out with a celebrity? I have had many of these through the years, and they always seem to come out of nowhere. The celebrity just appears, and of course there are some weird, dreamlike sequences that take place. They amuse me.

Have you ever had dreams with people you don’t know in them? I have had these as well, and always wonder if they are real people out in the world that maybe I have seen for just a second out and about and my mind simply places them in my dream? Or if there is some connection with this person out there that I don’t even know? Like somehow there is something that binds us, even though we don’t know it. We can experience the dream realm together. Somehow our minds know, even though we don’t.

Having all types of dreams makes me wonder; do the other parties in the dream have the same dream? Are we in the dream realm together? Have you ever had a dream with a friend in it, and you asked them if they had the dream too?

Even if they say no, perhaps it’s because they just don’t remember it. Perhaps because it was your dream, not theirs, that they were not meant to remember it, it was too cloudy for them. Perhaps when we don’t remember dreaming, it’s because we were pulled into someone else’s, and it was too cloudy for us.

No matter the night, everyone dreams. It’s the mind doing whatever it needs to do, without us interfering, so it can get us through the next day. So sleep on good people, sleep and dream on…